Wednesday 30 November 2011

On the shelf


It's a bizarre expression, it makes me think of a toy shop, with all the dolls and teddy bear being looked over waiting to be chosen. it's such a fickle thing too, to think of relationships like that too, like your gonna be picked out of a line up and have a wonderful, man that you meet who will sweep you off your feet.

I'm not on the shelf, ugh, I am in the toy box stuffed away with all the broken toys and lost puzzle pieces.

I could do (and have done, many a time) that whole jostling for attention thing in the hope that I land myself a boyfriend. getting stupid drunk, fauning over vaguely attractive men, dancing like a hoochie. Now, sometimes it works, but most of the time, whatever happens, it's not real.

I've kissed a fair few men, on my mission, whilst dressed up like a cross between a wannabe barbie (in the fact that I could have been made from the same mould as thousands of other girls, not that I was blond and wearing tiny elasticated pink dresses) and a hyperactive puppy.

My ex, I knew of him, but didn't really know him before we got together. We were drunk, I even bumped into his mum when going through the front door to perform my walk of shame. There we go, I've admitted it. That night, I know I wasn't jostling for attention or putting myself on show, christ, I don't even think I was dressed to impress, like I had jeans and pumps on. so maybe that's not the same, I don't think I threw myself at him, and we were together for 3 and a half years. I don't know what I'm trying to say.

What I am NOT saying, is that I need a man, I don't neeeeeed one, I just would like one, just like I don't NEED my topshop card, 3 different sets of felt tip pens or half of the clothes in my wardrobe, it's just nice to have them, to wear/spend time with, to think about etc etc, I mean I would expect a bit more from a man, but I can live without one.

The last time I was out with some of my girlies, I vowed that from now on, I'm playing it cool, I want Dates, intellectual conversation and day time, sober, fun.

so..... I guess I just wait for them to start queueing up? like that's gonna happen...

HUMPH

Wednesday 23 November 2011

Dear me, A letter to my 16 year old self....

Ok, so,

I've been getting more than my regular fix of magazines of late, you know the sort, the ones you really despise for talking about bikini diets and detox diets and diets that aren't diets and bargain 'capsule' wardrobes that only cost £600 for 3 outfits...

god I love them.

Anyway, back on point.

From time to time they do have quite interesting articles in and in this month's edition there was an article about a new edition of the 'Dear me' book, a collection of letters from celebrities, they had written them to their 16 year old selves, looking back to how things were, brought together by a guy called Joseph Galliano and to help their adolescent self look forward to what will come. (see more about it Dear Me website)

I thought I'd have a go.




me at 16. Dear me....


Fiona,


This is bizarre, I'm trying to write this and I'm not too sure how to address things, as you, me, I, us... just bear with me (or us). I'm writing from the future, at the fine age of 22 3/4.

As I write this, I'm on the way to see Wendy, I've been back in the country for about 3 weeks now and it's almost as weird as the fact that I'm writing to myself. You may have guessed by the fact that I'm going visiting, you will reconnect and actually get on with her, plus she has two beautiful children who call you Aunty Nona.


David also has two wonderful kids. He will also need quite a bit of support, sometimes it'll feel like he's only in contact when he needs something, but be patient.

In a couple of years, you'll give Amanda the sex talk. you'll be brutally honest, I think it does good. she's getting on well.



but back to you, now, you're sixteen and the next two years are gonna be tough, but I'm not going to give everything away, because we've all seen those movies where they change the past and the future f**ks up. plus, who knows how I'll have turned out otherwise!

16 is a good age in general, you'll go to college, those people that interview you, yes, they seem a bit rude, but soon they will realise that you're not a drop out, or a bad student and you don't have a disability. you have a job right now, and you've just done a project which will lead you onto bigger things. Have fun with it, Live Action Role Play eh? running round the woods making up magical stories and characters and mucking about? awesome! you'll also learn to love the outdoors and then you'll find a different kind of love.



That doesn't work out, you will get hurt. know that, but also remember, you are caring, kind and passionate.


This year you will discover your true calling, that is the one true thing that a certain person will tell you when you meet, that you will make a good youth worker. Trust me, you'll love it. 


at 18 you make a decision, a tough one to live with and it will always be with you. shortly after, you will travel for the first time, gosh, if I could ask you to do one thing though, when you take off for the first time, please please please don't scream. you're not going to die, obviously and it really scares people.

If I could give you one more heads up for the near future, it would be to remember who loves you, your family and your friends, you don't need to search for it.eventually you will find love, romantic love, for now, just be patient, respect yourself, you don't need a guy to make you feel worthy or special. We are just fine.  




Take care,



Me, You, Us x









What would you write? 

welcome back


Dear Blog.

Here I am. I’ve abandoned you for the past few weeks, I know. But I’m here now and ready to fill you with all sorts of tripe again.

You see, I’m on a journey, everyone is, but the journey I’m on about, is an actual one, not a metaphor for changes and discovery. I’m off to stay with my DS (dear sister) until the new year.

Again, I am thinking and rethinking and churning over in my mind about the decisions I have made in life, about the direction of my metaphorical journey, the one called life. And about life itself.
I’ve needed a boost these past few weeks, or as they say in my current home town, A right good kick up the A**e, which I think I will get from my dear old sis and being around those little balls of adorable and energy, formally known as my nephew and neice.



I have a job interview, I’m going to be woken up in the morning, There’ll be a dog to walk and kids to entertain, communal meals, and a proper Christmas! I’m so excited!

I remember the first time I did this journey to Lincolnshire, I wrote a list of rules? Reminders? For myself. here.

 A good question to ask would be, have I remembered these? Have they helped?



well, Its been easy to  forget sometimes that 'every day is a new beginning' but then when you remember and put yesterday behind, it's easy. and I still spend money stupidly, I find things to buy, mostly because it excites me to have something that I didnt before, it makes me feel good. so does food. so buying ingredients to make food. awesome! but I still overeat and I still love snacking.
I've written about having had to have been patient, I think I have that one down, for the most part. Loving everyone.... I try. what more can I do?

What would be your set of commandments? 





I love my Blog x 

Friday 18 November 2011

I miss the sun and the sea


I'm very uninspired at the moment. Hence why I haven't written.

It's silly, all this summer I have been writing and reading blogs, reading books, drawing, taking pictures, thinking, and now, when my day's are less than exciting and certainly not busy, I have nothing. I don't mean that I have nothing, as in nothing at all, but my bank of inspiration, motivation and energy have just been zapped to within an inch of life.

I have become an avid watcher of daytime television. it's a slippery slope, first watching ol' Jezza (jeremy kyle is a chat show host, of sorts, a bit like jerry springer, but not)

Then Loose women (ugh, hate it)

Checking the book of face every 15 minutes.

S lip er ryy Slope.

Tommorow, however, is a new day. I'm going to set my alarm. Tidy my room and finish my photo album from this summer.

Then I'm meeting with a friend from Uni and after, an outing in my 'ho dress.

Onward!

Saturday 5 November 2011

Back in Blighty

One minute, I'm sat in Crete thinking 'ohhhhhh, this summer is just taking sooooo long' 


The next, I'm here, in my front room in England, bewildered at being home, in the cold, jobless, and with a very unhealthy bank account but at the same time, really excited to be at home.


So far i've ticked alot off my to do list for homecoming.

I've baked. (mushroom and pepper quiche, yum!)
I've been to the pub twice.
Spent time with friends.
Had lunch with Nana.

Caught up with some old work friends.
Had a lie in EVERYDAY.


So pretty good really. 


Except one small point...

I feel a little bit like I've gone further backwards than ever before. 



hmm...