Dear 2012...

For last year's words belong to last year's language and next year's words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning..

new year new blog perhaps? 

I've been trying to write the first post of the year, well, since the new year. I cant.... I don't know why. I have no words for the new year yet. No. I have words. But they're stuck.

My blog, I guess has taken on a few different forms, intellectual rants, book reveiws, blow by blow accounts of days I dont want to, or really want to forget. ponderings, musing, questions for myself, answered by myself.

People have been writing about their new years resolutions, even anti-resolutions, I dont know where I stand with them, really I dont.

There's the givens, the ones everyone secretly promises themselves, to get off their bums, to eat healthy, to live life to the full; the soul destroying deadlines, the selfless, the meaningful... but how many people live up to their resolutions?

each year, at Christmas, I go to midnight mass, each year I feel guilty that I have barely stepped foot in church aside from that one bewitching hour in the last 365 days. Each time I go to church I feel comforted, peaceful, full of resolutions, to go to church, to pray more, and yes those cliches about being healthy and working out more, and then... I remember, I don't actually know what I believe in and there's also the guilt that, If I did believe in God, 100% and everything that christianity preaches, then I wouldn't be the best christian.

I've slept with men I don't know, Had one night stands, drunk too much, danced like a hoochie, I agreed to marry someone when I wasn't sure, I've used people for sex, I get frustrated at some people who call themselves christian and I doubt their faith, I aborted a baby, I've judged people, I waste money on material things, I've made people feel belittled, I don't give money to charity, I don't defend christianity when it is the religion I was baptised into...

I don't know what this means, or why I'm writing it, but I feel it needs to get out of my system before my new year can really begin. Maybe if I get them out of the way now, things will come together.

Sometimes I wish I had more faith. In a God. In myself.

A new year, New words, New beginnings. Love and wishes to you all x

I needed to write this.

Frikkin internet is down so I’m blogging

I don’t mean it like, oh, theres nothing else to do.... this is what I mean;

I’ve just made a decision, I’m going back to UNI. I miss it. I actually feel a little bit empty without it. A bit like when you know you’ve not packed a toothbrush when your going away, or you have a sneaking suspicion that somthing isn’t right.

I know it.

Maybe I was a bit foolish not going this September as planned, but hey ho. If I had I wouldn’t be feeling this urge, I need to go back.

I think the time has given me the opportunity to set myself up right. So what, I have perhaps from one perspective wasted a little bit of time, but hey, what’s a year? I’ve been reading, I’ve been thinking, reflecting, and jesus, I feel like I could go and write three whole essays on anything and everything.

This could be linked to the effort I’ve made tonight, treated myself. I’ve been for the first run in about a year (and after putting on about a stone since my last) and then swam and then, I did a face mask and read. I feel GOOOOOOD.

So I’m a bit frustrated because I the internet isn’t enabling my begging emails to Ms Torrence and also to the boss so that I can leave next season early. I just want to DO. SOMETHING. I’m at a very uncertain point right now and to know that I have made at least one decision about the not to distant future is great, but I want to act on it. I shall just have to wait. And read.

So my current book, which I LOVE (!) is Emotional Intelligence: why it can matter more than IQ (by Daniel Groleman (I keep going to write Dave Grohl, ha)

The two chapters so far that have really... Moved (?) me are Mind and Medicine and The Family Crucible. The first one, really relates to my feelings toward the work I did with the hospital and with the mental health service, or really the work I wanted to do I suppose.

 It’s like he’s written my mind for me, aside from the actual scientific stuff that I would never have discovered. He describes and proves the link between emotions and the Immune system, the impact our emotions have on health and then the impact emotions have on recovery from ill health.

One bit that I find soo scary, but really interesting, is the possibility of Anger and hostility causing heart disease leading to heart attacks. Woah. How many kids do we see who are hostile and angry (with just cause) in youth work. Obviously they need help to sort out whatever is going on with them, but just think how important it actually is, to help them work through their anger and deal with it.

Then in the family chapter, I feel a bit sad (and maybe if some of my family read this they may dislike what I’m going to talk about, but hey, it’s my blog)

I won’t go through what it talks about but I had to put the book down, I was just thinking.... S**T, the boys are actually going to be really affected by this, and they totally are, you can see it. Not just because of the obvious break up and stress, but because of the emotional issues and then the pressure on them to live up to the male stereo type. (If you are reading this, beware, I am not judging, I have never attempted to bring up a child and I am never, will never lecture you on how you should bring up yours)

[Earlier in the book, I was comparing myself to the people they describe as having no emotion = Zero empathy = psychopath (it doesn’t read exactly like that...) and I got a bit worried, because I find it difficult to show emotion. I’m not worried now though, I totally want to cry]

So yeah.

I love my book.

I want to go back to study sooner than I expected.

I think I only want to do it part time.

I still don’t have a job when I get home.

But today has been a good day.

Totally just finished my first season.

x

Seven weeks to go and seven things I've learnt

One of my first posts on here was counting down the days til my departure to Crete. that feels like absolute years ago, it was only like 17 weeks in reality.

So... I wonder whether people will think I've changed when I get back? for sure I have chilled out a bit, I've met lots of interesting people, and some not so interesting, I've got a great tan, I have a job lined up for next summer and I have a winter full of loose plans and lots of opportunity. I'm pretty excited.

I have had quite a few days off recently, mainly because we didn't get much chance when it was busy, It's been quiet (mainly because I spent all my money about 4 days after pay day) but nice to just chill out, catch some sun and read a few books and think about the future. 

Ioannis, the caretaker at our apartments says that I should become a teacher, travel around Greece and then settle in a white washed villa somewhere with a nice Greek man. sounds good, aside from the teaching bit. I could never do formal teaching in a school, I have respect for people who do and wish anyone who wants to in the future the best of luck, I've met student teachers who are buzzing full of ideas and passion for teaching and then as soon as they hit placement, boom, it's gone and you see them realise what they actually have to do, It's all about the curriculum and exams and health and safety and being PC without any adventure or exploring of what interests kids. 

Youth work is like teaching though, my dearest mother taught me brilliantly and helped me discover at a young age that everyone is a teacher and our schooling isn't just 9 til 3; 5 days a week. we're learning alllll the time. Like, when I was doing my sexual health training the lady told us that she's taught people who have been married for 30 odd years how to put condoms on properly and they've not known all the facts and things that they should be passing on. Did you know that Ejaculation happens at a speed of around 30 MPH? (appx 48 KPH)

So some things that I've learnt over these last 4 months

• I need a hobby. seriously, I need to discover a talent or something, you can't just work all the time (or in my case, work, go out, work, go out, sunbathe) the people I've met not just recently, they're all so damned talented and interesting, who knows, I could make a good photographer, dancer or artist, whatever, I've just never really tried.
• I know what I want to do for the most part of my life. sorted. But just because I know doesn't mean I have to do it now. or continuously.
• I am twenty two. Although at times I feel older and I have my moments when I act more mature, I'm still pretty young, I have a lot of life to live.
• We should all learn to use the delete button on our facebook 'friends' list. Oh and don't feel the need to add everyone you've ever met.
• When you meet someone, you don't need to know every single thing about them, and they don't need to know every thing about you either. getting to know people isn't a race.
• I am not pretty. Stop there, don't be thinking I have self esteem issues,It's not necessarily a bad thing, I'm just not, but if I make a bit of effort I can look half decent and a smile and a laugh goes a long way.
• Blow your own trumpet, no one else will do it for you. If you can't spot a few good things about yourself then others wont even bother looking. I.e. I am good at writing. I may be good at fiction writing, I don't know, but I love writing my Blog. 

Love you.Fi  x