Dear 2012...

For last year's words belong to last year's language and next year's words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning..

new year new blog perhaps? 

I've been trying to write the first post of the year, well, since the new year. I cant.... I don't know why. I have no words for the new year yet. No. I have words. But they're stuck.

My blog, I guess has taken on a few different forms, intellectual rants, book reveiws, blow by blow accounts of days I dont want to, or really want to forget. ponderings, musing, questions for myself, answered by myself.

People have been writing about their new years resolutions, even anti-resolutions, I dont know where I stand with them, really I dont.

There's the givens, the ones everyone secretly promises themselves, to get off their bums, to eat healthy, to live life to the full; the soul destroying deadlines, the selfless, the meaningful... but how many people live up to their resolutions?

each year, at Christmas, I go to midnight mass, each year I feel guilty that I have barely stepped foot in church aside from that one bewitching hour in the last 365 days. Each time I go to church I feel comforted, peaceful, full of resolutions, to go to church, to pray more, and yes those cliches about being healthy and working out more, and then... I remember, I don't actually know what I believe in and there's also the guilt that, If I did believe in God, 100% and everything that christianity preaches, then I wouldn't be the best christian.

I've slept with men I don't know, Had one night stands, drunk too much, danced like a hoochie, I agreed to marry someone when I wasn't sure, I've used people for sex, I get frustrated at some people who call themselves christian and I doubt their faith, I aborted a baby, I've judged people, I waste money on material things, I've made people feel belittled, I don't give money to charity, I don't defend christianity when it is the religion I was baptised into...

I don't know what this means, or why I'm writing it, but I feel it needs to get out of my system before my new year can really begin. Maybe if I get them out of the way now, things will come together.

Sometimes I wish I had more faith. In a God. In myself.

A new year, New words, New beginnings. Love and wishes to you all x

I needed to write this.

Frikkin internet is down so I’m blogging

I don’t mean it like, oh, theres nothing else to do.... this is what I mean;

I’ve just made a decision, I’m going back to UNI. I miss it. I actually feel a little bit empty without it. A bit like when you know you’ve not packed a toothbrush when your going away, or you have a sneaking suspicion that somthing isn’t right.

I know it.

Maybe I was a bit foolish not going this September as planned, but hey ho. If I had I wouldn’t be feeling this urge, I need to go back.

I think the time has given me the opportunity to set myself up right. So what, I have perhaps from one perspective wasted a little bit of time, but hey, what’s a year? I’ve been reading, I’ve been thinking, reflecting, and jesus, I feel like I could go and write three whole essays on anything and everything.

This could be linked to the effort I’ve made tonight, treated myself. I’ve been for the first run in about a year (and after putting on about a stone since my last) and then swam and then, I did a face mask and read. I feel GOOOOOOD.

So I’m a bit frustrated because I the internet isn’t enabling my begging emails to Ms Torrence and also to the boss so that I can leave next season early. I just want to DO. SOMETHING. I’m at a very uncertain point right now and to know that I have made at least one decision about the not to distant future is great, but I want to act on it. I shall just have to wait. And read.

So my current book, which I LOVE (!) is Emotional Intelligence: why it can matter more than IQ (by Daniel Groleman (I keep going to write Dave Grohl, ha)

The two chapters so far that have really... Moved (?) me are Mind and Medicine and The Family Crucible. The first one, really relates to my feelings toward the work I did with the hospital and with the mental health service, or really the work I wanted to do I suppose.

 It’s like he’s written my mind for me, aside from the actual scientific stuff that I would never have discovered. He describes and proves the link between emotions and the Immune system, the impact our emotions have on health and then the impact emotions have on recovery from ill health.

One bit that I find soo scary, but really interesting, is the possibility of Anger and hostility causing heart disease leading to heart attacks. Woah. How many kids do we see who are hostile and angry (with just cause) in youth work. Obviously they need help to sort out whatever is going on with them, but just think how important it actually is, to help them work through their anger and deal with it.

Then in the family chapter, I feel a bit sad (and maybe if some of my family read this they may dislike what I’m going to talk about, but hey, it’s my blog)

I won’t go through what it talks about but I had to put the book down, I was just thinking.... S**T, the boys are actually going to be really affected by this, and they totally are, you can see it. Not just because of the obvious break up and stress, but because of the emotional issues and then the pressure on them to live up to the male stereo type. (If you are reading this, beware, I am not judging, I have never attempted to bring up a child and I am never, will never lecture you on how you should bring up yours)

[Earlier in the book, I was comparing myself to the people they describe as having no emotion = Zero empathy = psychopath (it doesn’t read exactly like that...) and I got a bit worried, because I find it difficult to show emotion. I’m not worried now though, I totally want to cry]

So yeah.

I love my book.

I want to go back to study sooner than I expected.

I think I only want to do it part time.

I still don’t have a job when I get home.

But today has been a good day.

Totally just finished my first season.

x

Blogging for Blog sake

Bit of an awkward moment there.....


A parent of one of the children I'm babysitting just noticed that I'm on Blogger while I sit outside and wait for them to leave and asked 'so what do you write about?' 


well.....  so now he probably thinks I Blog/ bitch about the people I work for.... hmm, awkward. 


Dearest stallion discovered my site also, recently. 


when people discover you Blog, they always seem to want to know what you're saying about them. 


Not that I write about anyone in particular, and if I do, I don't to put names or write anything detrimental.


So now I'm really getting into it, and people are reading it, I only have 10 *followers* I know there are people who check in regularly and read what's going on in  my world. I like that people read it, but I like that it's personal, and separate. I'd rather people read it, than me explain or tell them what it's about. it's not a secret, but I write it because it's easier to write out some of your crazy than let it slip into conversation. 


I hope my writing is a bit of everything, it's just me, chirpy and light hearted most of the time but with a layer of deep thought and hope and wanting with the occasional slice of nuttiness thrown in for good measure.


So, dearest reader, How do I tell people to read it without sounding grumpy, rude or that I'm trying to boost my view count? 


That's what's on my mind. read it, enjoy it/ don't, make conversation about it, comment. your will is your own, my blog is for reading. 


Lots of Love


Me x

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

For the first time in a long while, I don’t actually know what to write. I just think that I need to.

So this is going to be a bit of an adventure maybe.

At first I was thinking I should tell you about a thought I had, following on from the theme of some of my other posts. To start with, there are two places, aside from exotic or exhilarating landscapes that really prompt me to start thinking. The first, of course, is the toilet. I have actually on occasion gone and sat on the loo, just to help me think or remember something. It used to be as a distraction, i.e. from work, studying, being told off.


The second is 36,000 feet in the air. It doesn’t have to be 36,000 exactly, but it helps.

It’s a weird place to be. Suspended in mid air, surrounded by strangers and strange people, nothing to look at but the backs of people’s heads and the inflight magazine or safety card. It’s like.... nothing. Nowhere?

Anyway back to my thought, which at the time was quite exciting, for me anyway. Maybe, just maybe I should listen to people and Maybe, Perhaps, teaching could be something I could get into. Not yet, I’m still in full on drift mode (although potentially being unemployed in..... less than three weeks is more than daunting) but I could so work in one of them Pupil referral units, the one’s where kids go when they’re in trouble or not getting on in school. I think that’d be cool. Hard work (for sure) but cool.

So that was my thought. But really, in my drifting style, I need to think of now.

I’m applying for jobs everywhere, bars, shops, and restaurants in both Grantham and Blackpool. I cannot begin to imagine how it feels to be out of work for a long time. It’ll be fine though. I just need to find something, anything, to tide me over.

So what else am I pin balling, I hear you ask. Well,

Cooking and how freakin amazing it feels to COOK again. Ahh! Our apartment has a bit of a kitchen you see. Nothing special, but oh my, it’s nice. I’m going to make a cake. I’ve already made butternut squash risotto, a courgette bake thing and my new invention, Lazy Soup. 


Lazy soup has all the qualities of normal, hearty homemade soup, but is especially for the lazy or pushed for time among us.

Here is a rough idea of a lazy soup. More of instructions than recipe.

Find fresh vegetables (I say fresh, I used partly dried out squash, floppy carrots and half a broccoli)

Chop roughly

Put water in a saucepan onto boil. Add an onion, stock cube and seasoning.

Boil vegetables for as long as you have (ideally they would be fully cooked.)

Blend and serve.

YUM.

I’m going to be searching my blog reading list for a good simple chocolate cake to bake on a budget. Once I get on the net that is. Roll on nap time at the crèche.