beating myself up

If I were you, I'd tell me to get a grip.

If I were you, I'd tell me to get up, go out, do something.

If I were you, I'd tell me to enjoy having some time out, to take the chance to do what I always complain that I don't have time to do. or see, hear and experience things that I miss when I'm not here.

You, would tell me (being you) that it's hard to get out of bed, to get dressed before 12, because theirs nothing to get up for.

If I were you, I'd shake my head and tell me that you don't know how lucky you are.

If you were me, what would you do? get up early? Go for a walk? or have a lie in and relentlessly scroll through pages upon pages of job adverts that want me (being you) and not you (being me). Write up the list of rejections to show just what you're doing with your time?

If I were you

If you were me...?

well now then Doley bum....

(really, that isnt as funny unless you have a brain like me that sings everything, if you think of the Arctic monkeys song, Mardy bum, you'll get it. but it's not funny, because i've just explained it.... Damn!)

I just signed on for the first time EVER, ooooooooh. I'm both a little bit let down, because of the stigma of the usual locals who hang around the Job Centre and a little bit smug that I can blast the usual stereotype. The expectations in the eyes of the Personal Assistant and the security guards, ooooh, kiss my unemployed, skinny jean covered ass.

*my ponderings in no way shape or form cover every single PA or security guard or unemployed person on benefits*

[Scene] I walk down the road, lined with broken down B&B's held together by chip board and scaffolding, cross the road and past a group of flourescent jacketed builders, and yes, I did shake my hair and smile to myself / feel a bit grubby when I see them watching me walk past (must have been a slow day for creeping)

The air is grey, as is the road, the buildings, the clouds and if my mood could be colour coded, that would be grey too, the only colour around is the faded attempts at tourist-attracting signage.

So after a bit of time wasting on the prom, (I was almost an hour early)

 {I'll let you into a bit of a secret too, while I'm here, When I'm alone, like walking home or sat wasting time like today, I have a little howl into the wind, I mean I sing. Random lines of random songs}

I make my way to the dreaded Benefit interveiw.....

So, I went in, through the obligatory group of people smoking, sipping from cans, shouting at eachother, into the realm of the benefits office and am confronted by a hulk of a bouncer disguised as a civil servant (his job title is probably something like, customer welcoming and order assistant) who takes my name and tells me to go upstairs and sit on the sofa. of course, I'm ten minutes early, I've been brought up that way, but turns out, they tell you your appointment is ten minutes earlier than it actually is, so I have to wait 20 minutes, on a sofa in the middle of an office. It's like being in a zoo. But I sit there, reading the Times Education Supplement and get some funny looks while doing so, I felt like screaming...

YES, HELLO!!! I CAN READ!! GET BACK TO JUDGING PEOPLE AND ORGANISING YOUR WEEKEND.

Then I get called over by.... we shall call her Deirdre, who takes my details, asks what work I've done, my qualifications, my health.... Wait, what's that... that look on your face, dear deirdre? No, I'm not lying, why would I? yes, a clean driving license, No I wasn't KICKED out of uni and I didn't FAIL...

Yes deirdre, I can manage to apply for 6 jobs a week, it's not a problem...

6 to ten days for my first payment? wow, thanks, thats great news, Crisis loan? Um, no, I'll be ok, thanks, really, I'm pretty sure I'm not in crisis, I can still apply? oh... um.... nah your ok....

so she didn't say all of that, but you know when you can sense what a person means  or wants to say, the tilt of the head, the raised eye brow.... 


So there..... pretty painless I guess and yes, I am luckier than most, I have a lovely set of parents that are willing to keep me warm and fed and support me in my decisions, even though I have eaten 12 fish fingers and half a block of cheese in the last two days and I am totally grateful that I live in a country that can support people in a time of need, I'm not, however,  proud that people ride the system, but good lord, it sounds like it'd be pretty easy to do.

Best get back to eating my way to type 2 diabetes and filling my quota of 6 job applications for the week.

X

I needed to write this.

Frikkin internet is down so I’m blogging

I don’t mean it like, oh, theres nothing else to do.... this is what I mean;

I’ve just made a decision, I’m going back to UNI. I miss it. I actually feel a little bit empty without it. A bit like when you know you’ve not packed a toothbrush when your going away, or you have a sneaking suspicion that somthing isn’t right.

I know it.

Maybe I was a bit foolish not going this September as planned, but hey ho. If I had I wouldn’t be feeling this urge, I need to go back.

I think the time has given me the opportunity to set myself up right. So what, I have perhaps from one perspective wasted a little bit of time, but hey, what’s a year? I’ve been reading, I’ve been thinking, reflecting, and jesus, I feel like I could go and write three whole essays on anything and everything.

This could be linked to the effort I’ve made tonight, treated myself. I’ve been for the first run in about a year (and after putting on about a stone since my last) and then swam and then, I did a face mask and read. I feel GOOOOOOD.

So I’m a bit frustrated because I the internet isn’t enabling my begging emails to Ms Torrence and also to the boss so that I can leave next season early. I just want to DO. SOMETHING. I’m at a very uncertain point right now and to know that I have made at least one decision about the not to distant future is great, but I want to act on it. I shall just have to wait. And read.

So my current book, which I LOVE (!) is Emotional Intelligence: why it can matter more than IQ (by Daniel Groleman (I keep going to write Dave Grohl, ha)

The two chapters so far that have really... Moved (?) me are Mind and Medicine and The Family Crucible. The first one, really relates to my feelings toward the work I did with the hospital and with the mental health service, or really the work I wanted to do I suppose.

 It’s like he’s written my mind for me, aside from the actual scientific stuff that I would never have discovered. He describes and proves the link between emotions and the Immune system, the impact our emotions have on health and then the impact emotions have on recovery from ill health.

One bit that I find soo scary, but really interesting, is the possibility of Anger and hostility causing heart disease leading to heart attacks. Woah. How many kids do we see who are hostile and angry (with just cause) in youth work. Obviously they need help to sort out whatever is going on with them, but just think how important it actually is, to help them work through their anger and deal with it.

Then in the family chapter, I feel a bit sad (and maybe if some of my family read this they may dislike what I’m going to talk about, but hey, it’s my blog)

I won’t go through what it talks about but I had to put the book down, I was just thinking.... S**T, the boys are actually going to be really affected by this, and they totally are, you can see it. Not just because of the obvious break up and stress, but because of the emotional issues and then the pressure on them to live up to the male stereo type. (If you are reading this, beware, I am not judging, I have never attempted to bring up a child and I am never, will never lecture you on how you should bring up yours)

[Earlier in the book, I was comparing myself to the people they describe as having no emotion = Zero empathy = psychopath (it doesn’t read exactly like that...) and I got a bit worried, because I find it difficult to show emotion. I’m not worried now though, I totally want to cry]

So yeah.

I love my book.

I want to go back to study sooner than I expected.

I think I only want to do it part time.

I still don’t have a job when I get home.

But today has been a good day.

Totally just finished my first season.

x

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

For the first time in a long while, I don’t actually know what to write. I just think that I need to.

So this is going to be a bit of an adventure maybe.

At first I was thinking I should tell you about a thought I had, following on from the theme of some of my other posts. To start with, there are two places, aside from exotic or exhilarating landscapes that really prompt me to start thinking. The first, of course, is the toilet. I have actually on occasion gone and sat on the loo, just to help me think or remember something. It used to be as a distraction, i.e. from work, studying, being told off.


The second is 36,000 feet in the air. It doesn’t have to be 36,000 exactly, but it helps.

It’s a weird place to be. Suspended in mid air, surrounded by strangers and strange people, nothing to look at but the backs of people’s heads and the inflight magazine or safety card. It’s like.... nothing. Nowhere?

Anyway back to my thought, which at the time was quite exciting, for me anyway. Maybe, just maybe I should listen to people and Maybe, Perhaps, teaching could be something I could get into. Not yet, I’m still in full on drift mode (although potentially being unemployed in..... less than three weeks is more than daunting) but I could so work in one of them Pupil referral units, the one’s where kids go when they’re in trouble or not getting on in school. I think that’d be cool. Hard work (for sure) but cool.

So that was my thought. But really, in my drifting style, I need to think of now.

I’m applying for jobs everywhere, bars, shops, and restaurants in both Grantham and Blackpool. I cannot begin to imagine how it feels to be out of work for a long time. It’ll be fine though. I just need to find something, anything, to tide me over.

So what else am I pin balling, I hear you ask. Well,

Cooking and how freakin amazing it feels to COOK again. Ahh! Our apartment has a bit of a kitchen you see. Nothing special, but oh my, it’s nice. I’m going to make a cake. I’ve already made butternut squash risotto, a courgette bake thing and my new invention, Lazy Soup. 


Lazy soup has all the qualities of normal, hearty homemade soup, but is especially for the lazy or pushed for time among us.

Here is a rough idea of a lazy soup. More of instructions than recipe.

Find fresh vegetables (I say fresh, I used partly dried out squash, floppy carrots and half a broccoli)

Chop roughly

Put water in a saucepan onto boil. Add an onion, stock cube and seasoning.

Boil vegetables for as long as you have (ideally they would be fully cooked.)

Blend and serve.

YUM.

I’m going to be searching my blog reading list for a good simple chocolate cake to bake on a budget. Once I get on the net that is. Roll on nap time at the crèche.