On the shelf

It's a bizarre expression, it makes me think of a toy shop, with all the dolls and teddy bear being looked over waiting to be chosen. it's such a fickle thing too, to think of relationships like that too, like your gonna be picked out of a line up and have a wonderful, man that you meet who will sweep you off your feet.

I'm not on the shelf, ugh, I am in the toy box stuffed away with all the broken toys and lost puzzle pieces.

I could do (and have done, many a time) that whole jostling for attention thing in the hope that I land myself a boyfriend. getting stupid drunk, fauning over vaguely attractive men, dancing like a hoochie. Now, sometimes it works, but most of the time, whatever happens, it's not real.

I've kissed a fair few men, on my mission, whilst dressed up like a cross between a wannabe barbie (in the fact that I could have been made from the same mould as thousands of other girls, not that I was blond and wearing tiny elasticated pink dresses) and a hyperactive puppy.

My ex, I knew of him, but didn't really know him before we got together. We were drunk, I even bumped into his mum when going through the front door to perform my walk of shame. There we go, I've admitted it. That night, I know I wasn't jostling for attention or putting myself on show, christ, I don't even think I was dressed to impress, like I had jeans and pumps on. so maybe that's not the same, I don't think I threw myself at him, and we were together for 3 and a half years. I don't know what I'm trying to say.

What I am NOT saying, is that I need a man, I don't neeeeeed one, I just would like one, just like I don't NEED my topshop card, 3 different sets of felt tip pens or half of the clothes in my wardrobe, it's just nice to have them, to wear/spend time with, to think about etc etc, I mean I would expect a bit more from a man, but I can live without one.

The last time I was out with some of my girlies, I vowed that from now on, I'm playing it cool, I want Dates, intellectual conversation and day time, sober, fun.

so..... I guess I just wait for them to start queueing up? like that's gonna happen...

HUMPH