I think my brain must be shrinking!

well you'll be glad to hear, I am feeling alot better than when I sent my last post. I am however still dehydrated and feel like my brain is shrinking and tearing away from my skull. eeech! I've seen some posts on the web about having a salt bath helping to sup up some extra hydration through your skin, so I shall indulge in such later on this evening.

After 3 days of near complete hibernation I am beginning to get cabin fever. ARGH!

I've even taken to watching The only way is essex. I am not proud but it just shows the extent of my boredom. Do not judge me, I am but a poorly sick and very bored young lady.

It is pretty hilarious though, as the title suggests it's set in Essex (the county across from where I used to live) and full to the brim with lads and girls who, god love 'em, don't come across as very bright. it is a TV show and I'd like to think that if I met any of them in normal, real life I'd give them the chance to prove me wrong. It seems as if their whole lives seem to revolve around relationships, fake tan and going out, which would be more acceptable if they were say, between the ages of 16 and 22 but they should be well past that by now, even they're parents seem to be on the same wave length.

It's addictive. I'm ashamed.

In other news.... 


I have now officially, finally, finished my job as a youth worker in Blackpool. Ahh it's been lovely, 6 years being involved with the service, almost four years working with them. it feels a bit like losing a limb (i imagine, no offence intended to anyone who has the misfortune of actually losing a limb, I mean it's less painful of course) or taking the stabilisers off your first bike. It's weird but I'll get used to it.

Thats all for now,

I shall post again when my brain is fully hydrated and in working order.

x x x

As I wallow in self pity...

Isn't it just sods law that I only get ill when I haven't got to be in work!?

I seriously feel like crap. I woke up at 4 this morning and up until 4 this afternoon I have thrown up every half hour. Sorry for the detail, I am feeling sorry for myself.

I did catch this god awful bug in quite a nice way though, (stop what your thinking! nothing like THAT) I saw my baby nephew yesterday and he fell asleep on my chest for half an hour, his whole family's had it, of course I wasn't thinking I'd catch it from a little cuddle.

Isn't he a cutey :-)

I shall call that photo 'Pre death day'

I shan't show you how I look at the moment. 

X

subdued late night notes

“Giving up doesn’t always mean you are weak,

 sometimes it means you are strong enough to let go.”

I was thinking today, on the way home from seeing my little ol' nana about happiness and how it is so easy to not realise both when we are happy and content and also unhappy.

I am a happy person but I have been happier these last couple of months than for quite a while previous. I wasn't unhappy with him, but I was unhappy with our situation and our options.

the majority of people who read this know already but, back in February I broke up with my Fiancee. He is a lovely person, he cares about people, gives his whole heart and wants to do everything he can to make those close to him happy. He is also in the RAF (I'm using is because 'was' makes him sound dead or like he's changed, i'm sure he hasn't) and is based the other end of the country. 3+ years of saying goodbye and missing someone more often than seeing them is not a good basis for a relationship, but we battled on. Then came stress from redundancies and budget cuts and deadlines for uni assignments and not having money or time to travel up and down the country. Thinking back now I can see how much time I spent worrying about my relationship, being down and depressed because I couldn't see the person that picked me up and it all screwed up like a bit knot of rubber bands in my stomach and my head.

I am happier. I appreciate my friends more and the importance of going out and socialising with more than one person and I am free to make decisions about my life without thinking first of how it would affect my realationship.

I shall tell you why I am subdued, tonight I went to the pub with some friends and saw his dad for the first time post break up. And I felt ashamed. They saw me but I had to avoid eye contact and I have a feeling it put a dampner on some of the night.

I shouldn't be ashamed though. I made the right decision and now following more decisions, like going away my life is going to be alot different, I'm going to do some more growing, make more friends, meet interesting people and eat Greek salad til I look like an olive.

and It has led me to 1, see my wonderful friends more and 2, start writing my Blog.

“People never change. They just become more of who they really are.”

6 lovely days with family, 2 new followers, 2000 words to write and 26 days till Crete

Six lovely days with family in Grantham with Wendy (my big sister), Mum and the kids. it's been great, quiet, relaxed, playing with the kids, good food and I've managed to resist most urges to snack and buy new clothes (see last post!) 

well done me! It's great getting to know my sister again, we didn't really speak for a bit, she moved about alot with her husband and lived in Germany for a couple of years but now she's in one place and I've seen her more the last year than I have since she got married I think. it's nice. she's now a busy mum and home help carer and does it all brilliantly. This week I said I wanted to try and lose 6 pounds before I go away and Wendy and Mum have been like the devil and angel on my shoulder, Mum is just like me and loves a snack and Wendy keeps reminding me that I want to lose weight.

The last couple of days I've felt a bit like the pied piper. not in the sinister way that I've led children away to slaughter, I have however been best friend/ climbing frame / swing pusher / hand holder and the person of choice to sit next to at dinner. 

I am fun aunty 'nona. :-) 

patience levels full to burst, smiles and cuddles at their disposal and no OCD cleanliness. Brilliant. 

I have loved spending the last week and a bit with W and the kids (and Mum), little Megan and Lewis are wonderful little souls, clever calm and content.

Lewis with his funny little face (i mean that in the most endearing way, they are both beautiful) that squishes up when he smiles, always asking 'what you doing?' and 'What your name?' and Megan, intelligent little princess with a bright smile and vivid imagination. 

I now have two new followers! Thank you, thank you for joining my page and popping by to read my ponderings. I got so excited about it yesterday. And I have comments! I'm like a proper Blogger now.

Yeah so I also have 2000 words to write on masculinity and risk taking behaviour, It's quite an interesting topic, I just keep getting distracted and not doing any reading. three of my friends and I have to perform a fish bowl about it, which is a critical debate which is staged and used to asses our knowledge and our ability to debate, discuss and critically analyse a topic or issue. The stuff I've come up with so far is... 

• Nature or nurture? is masculinity something you naturally develop? is it just limited to males? 
• What does it mean to be masculine? 
• Is risk taking behaviour mostly undertaken by masculine people? is it just a myth that boys cause more trouble? 

and then we each have to right up an essay to summarise the topic. I thought maybe if I wrote it in here I might be able to keep motivated, after all I do go on my blog everyday almost so it'll serve as a reminder. 

I have 26 days till Crete! 

Eeeeeeeeeeeee! I've been obsessively writing shopping lists and to do lists and lists for packing and I'm itching to go and pack it all up ready, but I cant, so near yet so far. I do have to pack up my room though and do lots of sorting (and shopping) 

I just cant wait to get out there. :-)

x x x

Hello Blog. 

I am pretty new to this blogging game, but I like to hope that I’m doing ok at it. Maybe there should be some sort of guidelines or tips on how to write an interesting blog? I know some of my musings are thoughtful and pondering, and others read more like a dear diary, this is what’s happened to me this week. 

This morning I’m on the train and feel like I can see everything and hear everything a little clearer than normal. We’ve gone through the Yorkshire dales and some lovely countryside, which has just made me smile and remember that there is a lot of good stuff going on in the world, some just there that doesn’t get noticed too often and other things that are beautiful because they are battling against an ugly, dark side of life.

My peace has just been interrupted by a mobile phone. Travelling, although I find it peaceful and rewarding, I do turn into a bit of a snob and hate every bit of noise and distraction from my thoughts. 

A while back I wrote two things that I was going to do for lent. One was to give up crisps (epic fail) and the other was to be nice to at least one person a day, which I hope I manage to do most days. Now I’m thinking I might make a daily to-do list, a little bit like an alternative 10 commandments. Hopefully they will help me to embrace life more and be more open to new things and not being in control.

Here is my first draft.

•   Remember that every day is a new beginning, not everything can go right every time and the next day is a chance to try again
•   Accept that not everyone is the same as me, not everyone thinks or feels  the same way, be patient and know that the way I do things is not always the right or best way.
•  Not all of my jokes are funny. I do not need to share them all.
•    Be grateful for my health and do not use food to quell feelings or boredom. Unless it’s reasonably healthy. 
•  New clothes are not the answer to every problem. Think before you shop.
• Love every day. People, life, the world, myself.

That’s as far as I got before the train stopped and I had to get off. It’d be great if you could stop life and hop on and off when you want or make it go in slow motion or fast forward, depending on your mood. Just think, you could fast forward to see if your decisions turn out for the best and go back and live it all.

TTFN

a view from inside my head... 

.... and then I cried

'Promise me you'll never forget me because if I thought you would I'd never leave'  ~A.A. Milne

'I dunno, I feel a bit peculiar' 


That was what I said at 2:15 (approx) this Friday just gone, It has been a pretty peculiar week, I think that's the right word, maybe not. 


I went back to work on Monday after a week off and meeting my new team in London, it's soo strange to think that, I'm going to be living and working with these new people for the next six months! ahh! they seem like nice people though so I'm not worried. Three of them flew out to resort on Tuesday, I'm pretty excited to hear how it is out there.


But this week we've had people being interviewed, some wondering why they aren't,tense, silent hours of working, moments of hilarious office antics as usual, people not getting their jobs, three people successful in their jobs and wanting to jump for joy, our last full team meeting, poems, crying, cards, scrapbooks, being surprised with farewell cake and goodies. ahh.... 


Tuesday was our team meeting, we only had a little bit of business to talk about and then Hayley produced a folder full of poems that she'd made for each of us which are hilarious and amazing and she and Stuart made emotional good luck and thank you speeches then I handed out cards for everyone. it was a beautiful moment, I cried a bit, we all did. I hope everyone like their messages I wrote to them, I think they did from their faces. I managed to find a card to match most people, a dad dancer for Stu, Cake for Hayley, meerkats for Helen, an Ape for lee.... LOL


Wednesday was when Lee, Em and Helen were waiting to hear about their jobs, a very tense wait for everyone and I actually wanted to do a dance when they all got one. but then other people I know and have worked with didn't get jobs so that sad. 


Friday, I had to tidy and clear my things from my desk, I had three big bags full of stuff! and then some presents and cards and things and I was told that all of us had to go and help with a debate at some training, so we got there and Hayley and the young people said that they were doing a practice debate where they were in a hot air balloon but they had to throw one person out and it was between two young people I've known for years and they made me choose! ahh! well turns out I wasn't supposed to actually choose and then they produced a cake and a big suitcase with 2 lovely journals and a pair of funky Hareem pants that Emily and I had been talking about earlier that day! and Then they brought out a scrapbook full of photo's and messages and cards and jokes, ah It is beautiful and I shall treasure it forever. 


The most important thing I've discovered this week is that I seem to have made a change in a few people's lives. young and not so young. I haven't noticed it before but it feels great. 


(Hello and thank you team If you've typed in the link I wrote on your cards) 


Aside from work my sister's been over this week with my niece and nephew, Lewis and Megan, They are actually incredible little people. It's been great to see them this week, I was meant to travel back with them today but...... I ended up have 2 bottles too much to drink last night and have only just recovered. oops! bad auntie Fi, I was meant to take them to the beach as well this morning. I'm going to travel down tomorrow on the train and spend the rest of the week with them tho. I'll make it up to them. 




(Loves you Tash. Thank you for bundling me into a taxi last night. Now, how did I get this carpet burn on my elbow when we have no carpet at home.....did I fall over in the pub .!?!)

A few days in London

Hello there! 


Well I am now safely back 'oop north' after my 2 days training in Putney, London. 
I had a pretty good time, met my new team and learnt some things about where I'm going and what I'm doing. 


I stayed with this lovely lady called Phylis in her giant house, I was looking on the internet at places like premier inn and stuff but their all pretty expensive! But my dad stumbled across this B+B on the tinterweb and there I was, booked in a staying in this beautiful family home. I think it is probably the best place I've stayed in, Yes I only had a single bed and no digital TV and a bath but it was so welcoming, just like staying at your nan's. I've added a picture of the resident guard dog, Taffy, who I was very tempted to smuggle away with me (I didn't in the end) 

I heart London! it was a great two days, I always get excited getting on the tube into the capital and seeing all the colourful, exciting and strange people and how everyone just moves at this incredible pace with minimal fuss or damage to everyone else. I walk pretty fast and I just love that as soon as, say, you step off an escalator people are moving full pelt like they have incredible, exciting secret lives to get to and they cant miss out on a few seconds of it by slowing down. 
Even families seem to live at 100mph, it seemed a strange sight to see women in power suits, fish net tights and trainers pushing buggies with their beautiful little children dressed in Laura Ashley and baby gap. 


Now this week ahead is my last week at work... I'm feeling a little bit like five spice at the moment, all mixed up with a feeling a bit like how paprika tastes. that sounds very strange, but think about it, smoky and spicy, excited but mellow and a bit moody. 


I'll let you know how I get on. 


X

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's off to Putney I go!

Hey!

I am excited yet very sad at the same time today. I got my flight dates through today and I'm off to do my training tomorrow in Putney, London 'til Friday. So I fly now, on the 18th of May, big set back I know but you have to look on the bright side of things. At least I have more time to say good bye to people and I get to say a last goodbye to the young people I worked with.

It's such a shame, a few of them have said they'd like to keep in touch, so I might make another Blog, young people friendly for them to read. Hmm. We'll see.

I am pretty excited still. bit more nervous now and definitely nervous, especially about coming back.

1. What state is the country going to be in? 
2. Will I get uni sorted so I can be a full time lazy student? 
3. Where am I gonna live?
4.  If I get my full time studentness planned, I'm not gonna be here for the start of term... ahh!

Tonight on the news there was a piece on how young people across the country are suffering from the cuts in youth services. It was really good to see that people are picking this up finally. youth and community work is so valuable and important and you very rarely get to hear anything about it in the news unless it's linked with a school.

I was really lucky to have contact with youth service when I moved. At first I took part in a project for young people who were leaving school and then I got involved in the Duke of Edinburgh scheme and then with the Team that I am now leaving after working with for three and a half years or so.
Before moving I had always been involved in other things, like a church youth club, volunteering and Army cadets, I found them great fun and they gave me a boost. But the youth service stuff, it was different, I felt like I could make decisions for myself, I was in charge of my life, I could ask questions and be what I want to be, not just follow instructions.

This is what young people have been telling us about what we do. If I were to be me again at sixteen when the changes and cuts to services are made, I wouldn't be able to take part in any of the activities. I wouldn't be classed as vulnerable. So therefore the council would spend the least amount of money and time on me as possible. In reality, I was vulnerable at 16, as most people are, I lacked direction, I needed guidance and interaction with positive role models and other people my age in a positive environment, the majority of what I knew about sex and contraception was from dirty jokes I'd heard at cadets and on TV. When I was worn down from bullying at college and packed it in I was picked back up and helped to make a decision as to what to do with my life. Without that support I wouldn't be a youth worker and probably wouldn't be studying at Uni at all.

How can someone in an office dictate that youth workers should select and deselect people to work with based on their perceived vulnerability?

Tonight's rant has been inspired by shock. Two bosses from my team how now been refused their jobs. They re-applied for the same or similar job to what they do now and neither of them got the position. I am absolutely gutted. My colleagues and friends in the whole of the service are slowly being chipped away at  personally. They're breaking people all to come back round again in a few years time when some bright spark realises that they need to pay attention to Britain's future workers and adults.

That's all for now.

x

Fact: I give myself whiplash when I 'dance'

I have had a great weekend. It's been full of fun and frolics and quite a bit of alcohol. I shall have to repent my drunken ways for at least a week to let my liver recover, and the rest of my body. my feet feel like they might die and my neck is quite painful. every time I go out and have a bit of a dance, I get such a sore neck for days after. That says quite a lot about my 'moves'! 


All though I do dance like a freak, at least I don't try to hump people or grind about on the dance floor like a nymphomaniac. Every cloud has a silver lining! 


Myself and the dream team (sorry for stealing your name for us Hayley, it's just soo true) went for a spot of paint balling on Friday. hehe! what fun! then to town for a spot of drink and dance floor antics. then yesterday I went to the pub with Tashie and the gang. 

Which leads me onto my rant of the day. 

The use of the word 'childish' in arguments.


Let me take you back to one of my first posts, when I jumped over Peanut and his lady stormed off and disregaurded my apology. Peanut hasn't really spoken to Tash or I since, so when I saw him on his own at the bar yesterday in the pub I went and chatted to him. I hate leaving things untidy and feeling tension around people that I've known for years. that was fine, although he was adamant I was to apologise again. 


I later got tricked into going outside to speak to him, but his lady turned up as well and I was stuck in a corner. good job I'm not particularly intimidated by drunk people shouting at me. 


So back to my point. Yes, I am childish. I like having fun, playing pranks, showing people love and making people laugh. However, I have always, even when I was actually a child, tried to treat people with respect and listen to what they're saying. Which is what I was doing when I was told that I was 'not listening and being childish'. Regardless of the fact that I was back into a corner being launched and screamed at by a drunk woman. 


Not only that, Why does it make it worse when you actually do what they want and listen and be reasonable? I think she might be one of those people who can't articulate their points through words and find it easier to square up and be aggressive. 


Now that's what I would call childish. 


Well, I do feel better now that's out of my system.

Thanks for reading x x x x