Now Hayley and Helen, if you are reading this, I know you're laughing sadistically about the fact the only thing you've seen me cry about (or nearly) is Germs. STOP!
I must explain. I am a bit freaky, but everyone has their quirky points don't they? Well mine is Germs.
Nasty little blighters, you can't see them, which means you cant keep track of them, they're everywhere! It's not simply that I am afraid of germs or getting dirty or anything, and I haven't always been this way.
Do I really want to delve into this? I've just posted my link on facebook so maybe I don't, but we'll see how we go.
I suppose it started when i was about 17, when I started dating this (what turned out to be) natsy, manipulative man. (I say man... creature fits the description better, but hey, hindsights a wonderful thing) who I thought was the best thing since sliced bread. Using this to his advantage he had me wrapped round his obese finger, he could do pretty much anything to me, mind games, guilt trips, grip me till i'd nearly pass out.... aside from this, he lived in an absolute pig sty, his flat while he had it, was pretty grim, mouldy, dirty, smelly etc, and then when he lived back with his mum, oh my, I want to get the disinfectant out and start cleaning now... it truly was like something off grime fighters. Mouldy food on the floor, potty's full to the brim with 1's and 2's left lying about for days, Dog poo, fleas, on a hot day the grease on the kitchen floor would start to melt and your feet would stick to it. You actually could move in 90% of the house, couldn't get to it. you had to climb over bags of rubbish, old clothes and food, there was nothing normal about this house. They even slept on the grotty sofa's because they 1 couldn't get to the beds and 2 there was no clean bedding. (again, in hindsight, I should have reported them to social services and environmental health, there was a three year old living in this mess!)
So, I got the hell out of that 'relationship' after a long hard battle with myself, but the germs stayed with me. (I want to go and have a shower now)
I got a bit obsessed with having clean hands and having hand gel, still am to this day. I cant touch bin lids or wet/ used tissue (even if i just looks used, like scrumpled up), if I go swimming I have to stand on a towel while I get changed and I try to wear flip flops or run through to the pool as quick as I can because of the bare floor, If I am agitated or upset, it makes me want to clean.
Everyone must have had at least one 'relationship' that haunts them, and that haunting manifests in any number of ways, so I know I am not alone. I am confident now, I know how I should be treated and what is acceptable and I would never ever let myself be manipulated again like that. I am successful, I do well at Uni, I love my job (soon to be old job), my team, my family and my friends, but I will never be able to shake off my phobia of Germs.
One need not be a chamber to be haunted;
One need not be a house;
The brain has corridors surpassing material place.
~Emily Dickinson, "Time and Eternity"
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